IN HONOR OF the legendary Blackhawk/Red Wing goon, arrests of jocks that require multiple applications of stun weapons, mace, and/or clubs will now be refered to as “Proberts.”

As midnight on the fifth-year anniversary of 9/11 struck at a bar called Half Time Rec in St. Paul, Minnesota, the joint exploded in a brawl between the St. Paul Saints and the Forth Worth Cats, who had just finished playing the final game of the AA season (the Cats won, 2-1). When police arrived to find “about 30 people” throwing punches, most of the patrons stopped the fight. But “one individual in particular kept at it,” according to police reports. That individual was Cats outfielder Steve Zacuto, who allegedly put a 55-year-old cop in a choke-hold and lifted him completely off the ground.

Right away, a pile of cops tried to beat Zacuto’s brains in, using nightsticks and mace among other things, but the guy wouldn’t calm down. Even after they got the cuffs on him, he wouldn’t cooperate, instead going completely limp and forcing police to drag him out of the bar on his face. The incident comes on the heels of several eerily similar sports arrests this summer, from the demeaning taser/Miami hotel lobby bust of an enraged Dale Davis to the taser takedown of Cincinnati Bengal DT Matthias Askew, and the most celebrated of them all, the violent struggle between Maurice Clarett — who never fought a tackle that hard in Denver training camp — and the Ohio police who had the misfortune to catch him driving a car full of felonies.

All of these busts follow the behavioral profile long ago established by legendary hockey goon Bob “The Bad One” Probert, who set a standard for pro athletes everywhere by refusing to go down with the first taser shot in his Florida cocaine-related arrest. In fact, for shorthand purposes we might as well rename such instances “Proberts” — arrests of jocks that require multiple applications of stun weapons, mace, and/or clubs.

What's eating Gilbert?
Okay, so we have a Probert. Now how about an Arenas-o-sault? After whom else would we name the offense of begging off an arrest on the grounds of being a pro athlete?

You’ll recall that Washington Wizards star Gil Arenas was busted earlier this year on the admittedly absurd charge of disobeying a police order (a Miami cop — it’s always a Miami cop — said he was blocking traffic and ordered Arenas and fellow Wizard Awvee Storey to get back on the sidewalk), to which Arenas famously replied: “You can’t arrest me. I’m a basketball player.” The Arenas comment was hardly the first, nor the last, of its genre: precedents were set by our own Ty Law (“Don’t touch me, I’m a professional athlete,” he said while in Miami), former ski legend Bill Johnson (“You don’t have one of these,” Johnson bragged to arresting cops in his DUI case, holding up his gold medal), and UMaine hoop star and future Vegas summer league afterthought Nik Caner-Medley (“I’m from Maryland and nobody can beat me,” he bragged during a nightclub disturbance arrest).

Now we have one more. Last week, former Cubs and Braves outfielder Dwight Smith — no, not that Dwight Smith, the Minnesota Viking with the lengthy road rage history who was busted a few weeks ago; another Dwight Smith entirely — was busted in Atlanta, Georgia, on cocaine charges. According to police, he asked cops to “give him a break because he was a former major-league baseball player.” Call it a half-Arenas. Cops declined and hauled him to the pokey. Smith joins Otis Nixon as celebrated ’90s Braves spending the next millennium high on coke.

When he’s not googling “Michael Irvin” and “American hero,” Matt Taibbi is writing for Rolling Stone. He can be reached at M_Taibbi@yahoo.com .