Dr Love Monkey

Eyes for others

Dr. Lovemonkey

By DR. LOVEMONKEY | August 13, 2008

Eyes wide open
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My husband constantly checks out other women when we’re out together. I’ve told him how much it bothers me, but he claims he isn’t doing it. Help!
_The Other Woman

Dear Other,
You are in the “turnabout is fair play” zone. If your husband denies checking out other women, it might be time for you to blatantly check out other men while in his presence. When he complains, which he undoubtedly will, deny that you are doing it. This will not solve the problem, but nothing will until he ceases his denials. You might as well have some fun with it.

Clowning around
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am a midget in the circus and have had the hots for the bearded lady for the past year. Circus people talk, and I have been reluctant to make a move because, well, I just don’t want to be the talk of the big top. Is there a way that we can quietly go out and spend some time together without everybody talking?
_Frank

Dear Frank,
I suspect not. By the way, Dr. Lovemonkey is a former big-time professional wrestler and once had a big crush on one of the referees. I thought we could quietly date if he just ditched the striped shirt, but I was wrong. My inclination to bark rather than speak in a civil voice betrayed us every time we went out. We were eventually banned from the pro-wrestling circuit (which isn’t as tolerant as you’d suspect) and are now applying to the circus ourselves.

Why ask why?
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey
I am a heterosexual woman in her mid-40s and have never married. The reasons for this are numerous and complex. The bottom line is that I really don’t know how to reply when (and this regularly crops up) people ask, “How come you never got married?” I don’t want to get into a long discussion that may or may not make sense to someone else. How can I avoid having to deal with this question?
_Flummoxed

Dear Flummoxed,
You’re asking if one can avoid interactions with rude people. Considering the explosion in thoughtlessness and rudeness in recent years (decades, actually), I’m afraid that the answer is no. You can ask those who rudely stick their nose into your business why (if they are unmarried) they never married, or (if they are married) why they decided to marry, or (if they are divorced) why they haven’t remarried. This may cause them to think about the intrusiveness of their comment. Then again, more likely, they won’t get it.

Keep rocking
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I was in a heavy metal band for many years and accumulated quite a bit of stage clothing. I am getting out of that business and considering giving a few boxes of my stage costumes to a homeless shelter. A friend of mine told me that that would be inappropriate. What do you think?
_Roddie

Dear Roddie,
What would be inappropriate? Giving clothing to people who need clothing? Perhaps your friend fears encountering needy street people dressed like members of Black Sabbath, circa 1985. Tell him/her to look around. Plenty of folks who are up against it dress like heavy metal musicians. It might inspire some of these folks to start their own bands. The challenge would be for you to find people to donate musical instruments and equipment. Go out and seek further donations.

Send questions and romantic quandaries to rudycheeks@verizon.net.