Our dream of a post-racial America moved one space closer to "king me" on the checkerboard of terrible metaphors this week: LIL WAYNE hyped himself up as the first hip-hop artist ever to perform at the Country Music Association Awards (which is pretty impressive, since, y'know, rappers have been trying to get on the Country Music Awards forever). Exciting, yeah? But when Weezy took the stage with KID ROCK to perform "All Summer Long," a funny thing happened: he forgot to rap. He just bounced around, "playing" a guitar (inaudibly, of course — anyone who's seen the notorious YouTube clips of him abusing a hapless ax at concerts will know that no producer in his or her right mind would let him plug in an instrument on national television).
In case you're wondering what the deal is, check out this flabbergasting quote from MTV: "A source close to the situation told MTV News on Thursday that Wayne didn't rap in order to keep things fresh — that the duo did not want to copy what they had done at the VMAs [where Wayne had rapped along with Kid] and figured Weezy playing guitar was a fly new take on their collaboration." Cool, I think I'll show up to my job tomorrow in a bathrobe and make fake type-type motions on the keyboard all day, because that's a fly new take on work.
Of course, being naturally sympathetic toward Lil Wayne and instinctively hostile toward country music, I'm guessing the producers nixed the rap element in order to prevent a surging cracker riot. Aside from Wayne's brief appearance, the ceremony was largely unimpeded by non-crackerdom; the "Best New Artist" award even went to a band called "Lady Antebellum." Classy!
Side note: interesting that Wayne's people would put out a press release calling him the first hip-hop artist to perform on the show. What about COWBOY TROY? Have we forgotten about Cowboy Troy? Where the fuck is the love for Cowboy Troy?
"We're trying to fill the void," proclaims the lead tit from GOOD CHARLOTTE in an MTV interview. "Like, I think there's a need for a new Blink-182 album, and they're not working on an album. I'm a huge Blink-182 fan, but I think in general there's a void there for music like that, and in this moment, we're making a record that kind of answers to that void." How could any self-respecting music journalist let that kind of outrage pass unchallenged? Isn't that kind of shit grounds for a flying tackle and a citizen's arrest? Furthermore, why is anyone even holding a microphone up to the mouth of this person when journalistic resources could be more usefully spent holding a beer stein up to the urethra of a horse?
Singer/guitarist DAN AUERBACH of the BLACK KEYS is said to be working on a solo album. Stop and think about that: Black Keys are a duo. The drummer knows exactly who's being shut out: "Yeah, look . . . I'm going in kind of a less drum-oriented direction with this material, soooo. . . " Plus, Dan is touring the material with a four-piece group, so his "solo project" involves four times the backing manpower of his "band." Maybe we should all chip in and buy the drummer a card or something, because that's a pretty stone-cold diss right there.
I just read a wrenching tale of woe on thequietus.com: the GLITTER BAND are struggling to continue their career, but their association with disgraced frontman Gary is a heavy millstone indeed. How are an honest band to succeed when they have to labor in the shadow of the flamboyant convicted pedophile who shared their name? "I've not even spoken to Gary for 30 years," saith bandleader John Rossal, "and every day I have to speak about him. The tabloids ring all the time looking for stories, but I have nothing to tell. We were not even that close when we were working with him."
The recently released Gary Glitter discussed plans for a comeback a few months back, telling a Vietnamese newspaper: "I have an incomplete album that I want to finish. I have been thinking about the plan during my days in jail. I have sung rock & roll for 40 years. After jail, I will continue to rock & roll."
Okay, Glitter Band, let me just throw this out there: this shit is like a romantic comedy where you're perfect for each other but you just can't see it. You're never gonna escape the ghost of Gary, so why not just go for it? Nobody's gonna hear the word "Glitter" without thinking "pedophile" ever again, so you've really got nothing to lose. You already answer questions about the dude all day anyway, so why not just tell the tabloids, "Yeah, hold on, he's right here because we're working on a fuckin' boss new album." Huge comeback!
(Just don't talk to him about the sex-with-kids thing, like how you don't talk politics with your Republican friends.)
