Remembrance of things crap

MEG MUCKENHOUPT — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 21:02:49 GMT

Millions of tourists walk the freedom trail each summer, bringing home ridiculous pieces of our proud city’s history
Boston’s historic Freedom Trail gift shops are, clearly, the manifestation of our confusing, conflicted, amusing past.

Slideshow: The best of Boston's gift shops.

"Souvenir” is the French word for memory. In the Boston that local schlockmongers want us to remember, the city was lousy with pirates, ghosts, and ducklings; children ingested bullets and gunpowder; and first lady Abigail Adams wore plenty of eyeliner when she, anachronistically, played cards with entertainer Josephine Baker. Boston’s historic Freedom Trail gift shops are, clearly, the manifestation of our confusing, conflicted, amusing past.

The Freedom Trail stores are each run by different organizations, but they share the same bifurcated mission: to educate the public, and to rope in as much moolah as possible to keep their museums solvent. That is why you are condemned to spend precious minutes watching your tween niece mull over sets of fuchsia polka-dotted sneaker laces at the Old North Church when you could be snarfing cannoli at Modern Pastry. Here’s what you can expect when, as a loyal Bostonian, you carry out your duty to accompany easily impressed visitors to the Old South Meeting House Museum Shop, the Old State House Museum Shop, the National Park Service Bookstore, the Old North Church Gift Shop, or, across the river in Charlestown, the USS Constitution Museum Store.

Fuzzy exoskeletons
Want to know inside tips from the souvenir world? Read Gift Shop magazine, which notes that “Every gift retailer knows — you have to stock plush.” Of course, since cows left the Boston Common, we haven’t had a heck of a lot of cute taxidermy subjects around town, so our local historic retailers have decided to make plush toys out of animals that have no natural fur! Ducklings are the chief beneficiary of this phylogenetic reimagining, thanks to Robert McCloskey’s 1941 picture book Make Way for Ducklings, an upbeat tale of how a cheerful, portly policeman saves a flock of helpless ducklings led across four lanes of traffic by a crazed, desperate mother in search of the father who abandoned the mallard family. In commemoration of the ducks’ fearless stupidity, the Old North Church gift shop has at least 36 cubic feet of store space devoted to fuzzy duckies, duckie shirts, duckies, duckie onesies, duckie books, and still more duckies.

Mammalized lobsters are also given pride of place at the Old North Church shop, furry and soft, though they still lack breasts and spinal columns. Patrons of the Constitution who wish to defend traditional hairy-animal values can purchase a bear named Scuttlebutt. He is dressed like a member of the crew, and his name is not funny.

Cylons for McCain

MEG MUCKENHOUPT — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:16:23 GMT

12 clues that suggest one of Battlestar Galactica's "Final Five" is running for President
The lateset season of Battlestar Galactica is kind of ho-hum: until you suddenly realize that one of the Final Five is running for president!

Since this year’s season premiere, Battlestar Galactica fans have been wasting eons of Internet-chat time debating the meaning of the four “Final Five” humanoid Cylons who have been revealed. These particular Cylons look just like us, and act just like us, and, well, seem pretty much the same as anyone else. It’s all kind of ho-hum until you suddenly realize that one of the Final Five is running for president! Yes, there is positive proof that Colonel Saul Tigh, Final Five Cylon robot and second in command of the Galactica, is none other than John McCain. And you thought Obama challenged American ideas about race.

Tigh	McCain
Tortured in Cylon prison camp	Tortured in North Vietnamese prison camp
65-year-old bald Caucasian male with distinguished white sideburns	72-year-old bald-ish Caucasian male with vague white comb-over
Third-generation career Colonial military officer	Third-generation career Naval officer
Had attractive blond wife with drinking problems	Has attractive blond wife who has admitted to past pill addiction
Member of the Final Five, a group of human-like robots who may be secretly controlled by Cylons	Member of the Keating Five, a group of senators who were allegedly secretly controlled by the chair of a failed savings-and-loan association in the late 1980s
Imposed martial law throughout the Colonial Fleet when command fell to him	“I would rather have a clean government than one where ‘First Amendment rights’ are being respected that has become corrupt. If I had my choice, I’d rather have the clean government.”
Wife’s dubious connections with Cylon commandant allows Tigh to escape certain doom while imprisoned in Cylon camp	Wife’s connections with Phoenix-area businessmen allow “carpetbagger” McCain to win first congressional seat in 1982
Called wartime civilian president a “schoolmarm”	“[During the Vietnam War] We thought our civilian commanders were complete idiots.”
Attempted to rig election to keep Gaius Baltar from taking office; was foiled by Felix Gaeta	Attempted to win 2000 South Carolina Republican primary to keep George Bush from taking office; was foiled by Karl Rove
Has difficulty perceiving differences between Cylon allies (Athena) and enemies (the rest); frequently accuses Athena of traitorous conduct	Has difficulty perceiving differences between Iran's Shiite and Sunni Muslims; frequently accuses Iranian Shiites of training Al Qaeda members, who are largely Sunnis
Currently confused about allegiance to humans vs. his Cylon past	Currently confused about his allegiance to the Christian Right vs. his “Straight Talk” past
On religion: “You say a prayer, ask the Gods to forgive us. We move the guns in tonight.”	On religion: “I think it’s something between me and my creator.”
On the current un-winnable war against the Cylons: “Yes, we’re tired. Yes, there is no relief. Yes, the Cylons keep coming after us time after time after time. And yes, we are still expected to do our jobs!”	On the current questionably winnable war against Iraq: “We’ve got to get Americans off the frontlines, have the Iraqis as part of the strategy, take over more and more of the responsibilities, and then I don’t think Americans are concerned if we’re there for 100 years or 1000 years or 10,000 years.” Read more